Try as you may, figuring out a plan for the uncertain tomorrows can take a lot of energy and still...you will never really know in the space of time yet to come, not in this present moment, what will come your way.
I found myself considering different scenarios for my future and quite honestly, I was confronted with anxiety just thinking about all of the ins and outs of the various possibilities. Do I start my own pre-school? Do I begin a new business? Do I go into sales and work on commission? Do I cut my standard of living and giving and take a more low profile job? 
Why all of this mental activity this summer? Well, I have to make a major decision that will affect me for the next ten months.
I have to decide which road to walk down this next year: to teach or not to teach.
Tomorrow is the deadline for any resignations: forty-five days before the first day that students arrive at school. I want to be free to write; to live free in the moment for my family; to come and go for ministry in Costa Rica; and to have a healthier lifestyle in mind, soul, and body.
The bottom line seems to hinge on money. I ask myself if this is the illusion of society and its brainwashing or is there is a better way to live than all of the ferocity that is demanded of me working for a huge organization that barely acknowledges my existence and my impact except to rate me by the status quo standards put forth for all students in Texas that my English language learners struggle to be competent with.
I make good money. Don't get me wrong. Money is a blessing and can be used to benefit others and to allow us to reach out across borders to touch lives. I also know that I do impact lives positively and that my students do learn and are cared for in my little domain.
Yet, stress is the enemy that attacks as I interact with some young people who seem somewhat jaded in their methods of interaction with adults and take their frustrations out on us.
For some of my students, it's the language of English that is a huge roadblock, but for others, they just aren't convinced that dissecting literature, writing to canned prompts, or researching for a prescribed format or grade is a meaningful use of their time.
Students struggle to understand why they are even in this rat race of public education and are tired of the defeat they find in this maze that seems to sort many of them into slots of frustration, failure, and eventually depression from a low self-image.
I've encountered kids who have experienced a life of suffering and who have not had their basic needs met.
According to Maslow, safety, home, food, clean water, clothing, warmth, and rest are the foundation of our most basic needs. When these are met, the next level of needs are the psychological needs: close relationships with family and friends; then the icing on the cake is prestige and a feeling of accomplishment in their life, their worth, and hope for the future.
Here at the top are the self-fulfillment needs where individuals feel that their gifting, their passion, and who they are is impacting the world around them in a satisfying way, yet some are crippled who live without even the basics in life. They are left without a stable foundation to progress and have to fight each step of the way to complete their pyramid of life.
Too many that have crossed my thresh hold have tried bravely to cope with their circumstances, and in the struggles, many have lost hope that any productive energy spent in these rectangular domains will profit them at all. Some are passive and go the way of least resistance: they go along with the game. Some enter into the fray and give back new insights and charge the atmosphere with life as they engage. A growing number react in anger or boredom striking out maliciously.
I see the plight of my charges. I wish I could gift them with insight and courage for their mind, spirit, and soul, but this is a painstaking task. Over time, brave men and women with generous hearts, quick minds, and endurance will gain ground with these fledglings, the future of our nation.
An extraordinary amount of energy and stamina are required daily to withstand verbal darts. Patience is frayed at times from attacks that have breached civility, so to counter creatively with options for learning or reasons for these teens to care it takes a renewed outlook and stepping back to get perspective.
All the while, we know they are young and their brains are still maturing, but teachers, being quite human need time to repair the damage. Thus summer break. So, here I sit.
I've had three weeks off now, and it's time to reassess my store of stamina and courage. Twenty-four years experience and I've seen some change, but a lot has remained the same. Yet each year the load of the job description seems to increase so as to bulge at the seams. What kind of super-human strength do TEA, the federal and state legislators, and central office administration imagine that we teachers possess?
So, tonight is the night. Do or die, the decision to take on another bunch of diamonds in the rough is upon me, even though I still feel the pain, and I have not had the time to work out the kinks from the challenges of last year's adventure.
Love may be blind, but teachers go in with both eyes wide open. The workload is tough and thankless on most days. Most weekdays stretch into the late hours of the night finishing work that just has to be done for those next lessons.
Still, I remember written notes handed in from a few students who were grateful for success on their state tests and personal breakthroughs. Others wrote that they were thankful that I kept plugging away each day, prepared to teach no matter what had transpired the day before.
Many days I'd say, "This is a new day. It's the first day of the rest of your life. You can change the course of your life by the choices you make today." A few caught my drift, though this was not understood by all.
I smile as I recall a few recent immigrants who came to wish me well and say goodbye for the summer. Their eyes wistfully searched my face for a glimmer of hope that I might return in the fall, so they could request me if I taught senior English again.
Next year's duty calls for me to teach all four years of ELA to my students. That's a lot of preps. Well, I still am sorting through all of the pros and cons. Health, wealth, sanity, am I daring enough to brave either road?
And then, this morning's scripture for the day on my Bible app read: "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (MSG)
Update: As of August 2019, I am tutoring students in English and reading. I am also dedicating myself to writing and speaking.
Our present society does not pay a good teacher or an itinerate minister what they are worth, but one day...when the curtain falls it will be worth it all.
photo credit: Blurry Light Abstract, Free Images of Blurry, pixabay.com
